John Bradshaw, PhD, in Healing the Shame That Binds You, develops the concept of shame as a “currency” of childhood wounding, and considers it one of the major destructive forces in all human life. He distinguishes between healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame is a normal emotion that gives us permission to be truly human—it is the psychological foundation of humility and a source of spirituality. When we become possessed with shame as a state of being, it becomes toxic, a result of criticism and punishment for our natural expression. “As a state of being, shame takes over one’s whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being.” Believing our true self to be defective, we develop a false-self (see Alice Miller: The Drama of the Gifted Child), and cease to exist as authentic human beings. We live a lifetime of cover-up and secrecy. Bradshaw believes toxic shame is the source of many complex and disturbing inner states, from self-doubt to perfectionism and a deep sense of inferiority. It becomes the core of neurosis, character disorders, wars, and criminality. Our toxic shame begins to develop before we become verbal, so it can be difficult to access and alter our shame-states with rational, verbal processes.

Most of us live our lives unaware of the child within, unaware of our wounds, yet they distort our perception of reality and put distance between us and our world. We live, for the most part, unwittingly in their grip. Aspects of our disowned self, our wounded inner child, can be detected by an intense, often uncharacteristic emotional reaction we have to persons or situations. In such an encounter, our disowned self is being activated within, as it resonates with that same aspect in another person. It is important to become aware of our shame, which is often so deep-seated and outside of our awareness that we can only recognize its presence by observing our dysfunctional behaviors—such as when we act compulsively, or under- or over-react. Once we can identify our wounds, we can develop healthier ways of dealing with them as they arise in our everyday reactions.

Regardless of how hard our parents tried to be perfect, we are almost all wounded. What is crucial is not the wounding but our attitude towards it. We can deny it, repress it—as is the norm in our culture—or engage with it, embrace it, and honor it as having the potential to carry us into the larger story of our life’s unfolding. For in every wound is the seed of a special gift that we may offer humanity.

---