While an attitude of openness to life is definitely health promoting, saying yes to life means saying no a good deal of the time, too. People who are afraid of disapproval from others will say yes regardless of their true feelings to avoid rocking the boat. The question can range from the trivial (“Would you like a cup of coffee?”) to the serious (“Can I stay at your apartment for a few weeks?”). When it comes to dealing with doctors or other caregivers, it is easy to fall into the trap of being a passive patient, afraid to say no to a suggested procedure, for instance, even though you may feel very ambivalent about it.

There is a high price to pay for such a lack of honesty in your personal relationships and in your dealings with professionals. Here’s why:

It’s stressful. Holding in feelings of anger or frustration while smiling and saying yes causes unnecessary tension, and if you do this continually it may erupt in physical symptoms or emotional con¬fusion and instability.

It’s confusing. Other people will read the true message in your body language, tone of voice, or energy level. They will be unsure of what you are really saying and will question your trustworthiness.

It undermines yourself. You erode your own self esteem when you deny that you have insight, opinions, intuitions, and value judgments. By saying yes when you mean no, you give up your vote over what goes on in your own life. The more you deny yourself, the more you may feed feelings of low self worth and set in motion the cycle of dishonesty/guilt/self hatred/depression.

It disempowers others. When you assume that other people will be upset or fall apart because you say no, you are assuming they do not have the strength to hold on to their own convictions. Genuine friendship or colleagueship cannot grow from such a weak foundation. Loneliness is often the result.

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