Raising children has become, for many, an isolating, lonely, unappreciated undertaking that runs counter to all that our society values—how much you get paid and what you can buy. In a period of mounting financial and emotional insecurity, parents are trapped between the escalating requirements of children who need more resources (time and money) for longer periods than ever before, and the cultural messages that give little credence or support to the altruistic non-market activities that are the very essence of parenting. Add to this the fact that many of us have become accustomed to an extraordinary degree of freedom, an unprecedented range of choice, and an abundance of opportunities to pursue a wide range of avenues to personal growth and self-realization, and it is hardly surprising America today is populated by over-worked, stressed-out parents who are increasingly unable to "be there" for their children. Meanwhile, the evidence demonstrating ominous links between absentee parents and a wide range of behavioral and emotional problems in children continues to accumulate.

Healthy Caregiving Options:

If we do not offer a secure foundation in the early years, the costs can be tremendous—financially and emotionally. This means that the caregiving choice should be one of three alternatives:

1) one parent (or both parents alternating) stays at home and provides continuity of care, ideally with a social support system. While not feasible for all, it is for many—if willing to make temporary financial and career sacrifices. Or, if this seems impossible,

2) a substitute caregiver who can offer the quality and continuity of nurturing care needed—perhaps a relative or friend, or several families pool finances to employ a long-term quality caregiver, or exchange childcare and "employment hours" with a trusted other. An option for the affluent is a personal nanny. Avoid frequent changes in caregivers by paying more than the going rate and structuring the payment schedule to include a lump sum bonus at the end of the agreed-upon period.

3) daycare that gives top priority to creating and sustaining a strong, healthy, loving connection between caregiver and each child, and parent, such that the caregiver becomes a primary "other" to the child-and parent. Group size is critical. Caregivers can be responsible for no more than five children, and the fewer the better.

Sources

Isabelle Fox, Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent*
Sylvia Ann Hewlett & Cornel West, The War Against Parents*
Thomas R. Verny, M.D. Preparenting, Nurturing Your Baby from Conception

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