Above and beyond specifically counteracting the forces of the media and war play, there are many actions that we can take to optimize our children's wellbeing.*

1. Show children that they are loved and cherished. Treat them with affection, respect, and benevolence, for they will treat others as they themselves have been treated. Parents who try to discipline children by withdrawing love, threatening physical force, and humiliating or embarrassing them, produce children who have great difficulty feeling compassion for others.
2. Give guidelines for acceptable behavior. Love is not enough. Children also need consistent guidelines. Parents who are loving but permissive and who do not set limits on children's behavior toward others, produce children who tend to be more selfish and less inclined to help others than are those whose parents provide more structure.
3. Help children understand the consequences of their actions. Tell them that this is a good thing to do, and that is not a good thing to do; this is acceptable and that is not. Don't focus on abstract principles--talk about peoples' emotions. Explain why in terms of the consequences of behavior toward others. For example, focus on how the other person is likely to feel--angry, embarrassed, rejected--if a child acts in a certain way.
4. Help children put themselves in others' places. Ask your children how they would feel if someone did something to embarrass, hurt, or humiliate them. This helps children develop sensitivity to other people's feelings, and is more effective than simply ordering a child to do something. The issue should not be obedience but understanding another's pain.
5. Primarily discipline through reasoning and discussion. This is one of the most effective methods of fostering children's moral development. When given explanations for household rules and allowed to voice their opinions, children become more adept at exercising social skills, relating to others, and coping with life's problems.
   Children who display a high degree of empathy toward others have mothers who convey clear messages to their children about the consequences of their behavior toward others, and communicate this with appropriately intense emotions that let the children know the depth of their feelings about this issue.
6. Show children, by example, how to treat others. While children's moral development, the likelihood of their developing unusual courage, compassion, and altruism are profoundly influenced by parents modeling like qualities, parents are being affected by living in a world that is often violent and unpredictable. Butteaching children to be careful, even suspicious of people, promotes the likelihood they will pull back from, rather than reach out to connect with others. Instead, promote kindness and caring, and basically represent people as valuable and worthwhile, while at the same time making children aware that there are people who are dangerous. This means teaching discrimination, rather than promoting a blanket withdrawal or suspicion of others.
7. Give children frequent opportunities to perform small acts of kindness, and point out the effect of their actions on the people they help. Children in societies where they have ongoing duties, such as caring for animals or younger siblings, are more altruistic and helpful than those in societies where they have fewer responsibilities.
8. Use everyday opportunities to foster compassion and caring. If you're clearing an elderly neighbor's driveway after a snowstorm, take the children and let them bring a little shovel.
9. Help children see the commonalties between themselves and others. Children respond more empathetically to people whom they perceive as being similar in some way to themselves than they do to people they regard as being different.
10. Emphasize children's power to positively affect others' lives. This enables them to enter another's world, developing empathy and compassion.
11. Don't stereotype girls' and boys' capacity for empathy, and treat children as having the same potential.
12. Explicitly condemn acts of hatred and violence. When adults fail to do this, children tend to misinterpret this silence as tacit acceptance or indifference. Instead, explore with our children the ways in which acts of violence can be thwarted, and encourage discussion about moral responsibility.
13. Refuse to sit back and watch children engage in name-calling, taunting, pushing, or grabbing. And refuse to engage in patterns of thinking that accept or excuse bullying or violence: Name calling is normal, or Boys will be boys! Recognize such discordant behaviors as artifacts of our culture and, rather than accepting and hence perpetuating these damaging misperceptions, appeal to our children's natural sense of empathy and explain to them, in ways they can understand, the reality of our interdependence and the consequences of their actions.
14. Involve children in developing rules, agreements (preferable to rules), and consequences, so that they learn to use words to solve problems, govern themselves, and feel empowered.
15. Provide children with skills and strategies for problem solving, developing healthy relationships, releasing tension, and resolving conflicts. Just say no! and Don't fight! and aren't enough. We need to teach children how--what they can say in different situations, how their tone of voice and body language can be interpreted. Use conflict situations--whenever and however they appear--to provide discussions that suggest alternatives to abuse; and to point out, encourage, and role-play empathy, respect, and responsibility. Teach about I-statements, listening skills, mediation and negotiation skills, and body language--how to use and interpret them. And--practice daily.

A is Always stop right now
Ask to work it out somehow.
Become communicators, tell your partShare the feelings in your heart.
B is Brainstorm things to do.
C is Choose a plan to do.D is Do it, then it's E,
Evaluate with you and me.

—Julie P. Peterson & Rebecca A. Janke

16. Share with your children books and movies that spark awareness of their immanent worth and that of the natural environment, social action and peacemaking skills, and the power of a single person to impact their world.
17. Be alert to opportunities to communicate to young people that change for the better is possible, and that people of all color, religions, and economic circumstances should be valued and helped when they're in trouble.

As children develop skills of problem solving and of caring for themselves and the world around them, feelings of helplessness, where choices and options seemed nonexistent, are transformed into feelings of possibility and power. They can recognize and act in the belief that each and every one of us can make a difference.

Violence may always be with us, but so, too, will goodwill. Children need to know this, believe it, and act upon it. —Rabbi Earl Grollman, DD

Serving as socially responsible and responsive adults, we can challenge the destructive forces of our culture and provide our children with a strong foundation for becoming compassionate, courageous, creative, and altruistic young people and adults.

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* The first eleven points listed are synopsized from Janice Cohn Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World. The remaining ones are synthesized from other sources.

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Sources

Janice Cohn Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World*

Nancy Carlsson-Paige & Diane E Levin, Who's Calling the Shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys.*

Barbara Oehlberg, Making It Better: Activities for Children Living in a Stressful World*

Presents research linking learning difficulties and aggressive behaviors with inadequate nurturing in infancy, trauma, and the insecurities children are growing up with today. Focuses on translating insights from medical research into activities that increase brain development and problem solving abilities, so decreasing the need for aggressive behaviors.

Julie P. Peterson & Rebecca A. Janke, Peacemaker: We Can Solve it Peacefully (audiotape)*

Peterson takes the role of Peacemaker, with children from the Friends School of Minnesota. On side one, she playfully guides the children through the ABCs of Conflict Resolution. On side two, Peacemaker and children sing peacemaking songs. Short dialogs and role-play between songs help children develop specific peacemaking skills. Growing Communities for Peace, the producer of this audio, is a nonprofit organization offering resources, including a great little quarterly magazine, for families working for peace.

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