The value of high levels of tactile contact as well as rhythmical movement to the infant/child has been known instinctively by parents throughout history, and is today confirmed by science. As Montagu elaborated in Touching, touch is a crucial need of the infant/child. The child whose need for touch has been met, the child who feels worthy and welcomed - in a way that makes sense to him, as through touch - grows into adulthood with the healthy high esteem that is prerequisite to fulfillment in life. The importance of co-sleeping, be it parents and child, or child and child, lies in the fact that human beings thrive on literally being in touch with one another, even while asleep.

Cuddly bears that play little tunes, soft dolls that wind up and say "I love you," the thumb, bottle, or audiotape of mother's heartbeat simply cannot replace the feel and sanctity of the mother's body, and hence cannot give an infant the love and security she needs. The child left to fall asleep alone, and sleep alone, is forced to "mother" herself. She may learn to suppress her need for her parents, but a suppressed need does not disappear, it festers inside, an aching wound. We are teaching our children right from infancy to turn to things ("blankie," teddy bear, pacifier) instead of people for comfort.

Baby Sleeps Easily

Babies need our love and warmth by day and night. At night, physical closeness is preserved with mother and baby sleeping together. Baby sleeps easily, secure in the presence of mother, stirring to feed, then sleeping on. Studies show however well wrapped a baby may be, his temperature can never be maintained as satisfactorily as when he has skin-to-skin contact with another human. Constant warmth helps to keep a baby asleep and breathing regularly. It particularly promotes REM sleep.

When sleeping together, children are less afraid of the dark, noises, thunder, or lightning. A child snuggled into bed with a parent is most likely to sleep soundly, and waking to the touch and warmth and familiar comfort of a breathing, living, loving body, will almost immediately drift off to sleep again. Not only does night feeding keep baby satisfied, it also releases a higher level of prolactin, which sustains breast-milk production in the long-term. And night feeding plays an important role in suppressing ovulation. Having siblings sleep together fosters a closer relationship between them, and results in more peace in the home.

Fostering Healthy Emotional Development

Research shows that a baby�s sleeping with mother for the first few years of life is an important element in the development of an emotionally stable person, one who will be inwardly strong. Children who then initiate the separation do so contentedly, whereas the child forced to leave before he is ready, may suffer from anxiety and fear of losing his mother. There is evidence that the child who is breastfed and permitted to sleep with parents or siblings becomes more demonstrative in showing affection, is better equipped to deal competently with social processes, and has a higher degree of empathy for others.

Anyone who ever sleeps with a child will quickly confirm that fears of smothering or squashing the small one are completely unfounded. Mothers always seem to be aware of their babies even while asleep - unless they are drugged or vastly overweight. The much more real danger is leaving a baby to sleep alone. Nature did not design the infant to be left alone.

It is time we put ourselves in perspective. Babies who scream in the night, breasts that blister from misuse and electronic alarms are the trappings of modern mothering in the developed world. History and anthropology show us that not all societies suffer like this with their children. —

Deborah Jackson

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)

SIDS kills about 2,500 children under the age of two each year in the US. And we don't even know what it is. French physician Michel Odent, traveling in China, asked medical professionals about crib death. No one knew what he was talking about. He came to believe that crib death is a disease of babies who spend their night in an atmosphere of loneliness, and a disease of societies where the nuclear family has taken over. SIDS rarely occurs in societies where mothers and babies sleep together. Some researchers believe mothers and babies who sleep together unconsciously synchronize their breathing. A baby with an immature nervous system may be kept breathing in a regular pattern by the steady, strong, close breath of his mother.

Alternatives to Bed Sharing

If a parent would rather not have baby right in bed, a crib can be pushed against the parents' bed with one side removed, in a sort of sidecar arrangement (sometimes called a co-sleeper). Another alternative is a bassinet or cradle by the side of the bed. (Bolt the "sidecar" to the bed if necessary, so baby can't slip in the crack between the two.) Mother can reach over and bring baby to breast, and put her back without ever having to get out of bed.

And What About Our Sex Life?

Many parents are concerned that sharing their bed with their children will interrupt their sex life. As most couples discover, as much as we may like to think otherwise, sex immediately after the arrival of a newborn is not nature's priority, whether we sleep with our babies or not. Regardless, thinking lovemaking will be easier with baby in a crib, could be a mistake. Trying to train a baby to sleep through the night can be exhausting - a dampener to libido - as can trying to make love to the cries of a baby in another room. There is evidence that sleeping with the baby is more likely to promote intimacy and desire. In Western culture, we generally equate intimacy with sex, and sex with the bed, but sex is only one expression of intimacy, and with a little creativity and playfulness, lovemaking can happen in a multitude of places other than the bed! If bed it must be, consider the fact that parents in many cultures make love with their young alongside them, sleeping right through the whole experience. If this doesn't feel right to you, night or day, a cozy space can be found--or made--for lovemaking near where the child sleeps.

Sexual Promiscuity

Many consider children sleeping with parents to be indecent or immoral. Yet in spite of our society�s preoccupation with separate beds and bedrooms, supposedly to "guard" children and give them a moral upbringing, sexual promiscuity among teens and adults is rampant. Studies indicate that a strong interest or insatiable craving for sex may be the indirect result of minimal physical contact received in infancy, an inner drive to repair the damage of too little bodily stimulation during childhood. The child who has been held and caressed by parents does not need to use sex to satisfy that early need.

Touching a baby may be the kind of physical intimacy a person has avoided throughout his life. A parent can continue to let these fears rule their lives, or they can rediscover the joy and essential goodness of sensuality through the child.

Touch in Infancy and Interpersonal Violence

Cross-cultural studies on child-rearing practices have found a direct correlation between the amount of body pleasure experienced during infancy, the practice of adolescent affectional behavior, and adult interpersonal relations. In most of the societies studied, those that gave a great deal of physical attention to the infant were characterized by minimal adult interpersonal violence, while those that had minimal holding, caressing, and fondling of infants exhibited violent interpersonal behavior patterns. An exception were in those cultures where adolescent affectional behaviors (kissing and "petting") were socially accepted. Adolescents seem to be able to make up for early deprivation through nurturing each other - if allowed.

Similarly, anthropological accounts indicate a correlation between violence exhibited by people in their everyday living (i.e., disharmony among members of family or tribe, active warring, torturing of the enemy) and their interest in sex. Namely, sexual drives appeared stronger in violent people than among people who were peaceful, lived harmoniously, and whose total image revealed gentleness. This suggests that interpersonal violence in human societies could be minimized by maximizing physical affection during infancy, childhood, and adolescence.

Enhancing Self Esteem

Intimate body contact enables a child to experience human touch in an uninhibited, nonsexual way, and to grow up feeling at ease with her own body. The more security you can offer your baby, the more secure she will feel. Co-sleeping can only enhance the child's healthy self-esteem and eventual independence.

Giving of ourselves should not be determined by a clock or schedule, but by human needs. In our society we tend to separate ourselves from our children instead of allowing our children to separate themselves from us when they are ready. We should be the tree, strong and well-rooted, and they, the seedlings which, when ready, will fall away with all the potentialities of a new tree. —Tine Thevenin

Sources

Deborah Jackson, Three in a Bed

This book is well-versed in continuum principles of Liedloff, and firmly ensconces co-sleeping in the bigger picture. A full chapter focuses on the pure and simple practicalities of co-sleeping. What should baby wear? Is it too late to take a toddler to bed (never!)? What is the role of dad? What if there are six in the bed? (Yes, it happens.) In closing, she summarizes many of the main arguments for co-sleeping, in a manner you can readily access, for response to those you may know who look with raised eyebrows on the practice of co-sleeping.

Tine Thevenin, The Family Bed

Thevenin illustrates how the breakdown in this wholesome, natural custom has come about, and why its restoration is so important to the emotional health and stability of future generations. Providing insight, encouragement, and a multitude of reasons for co-family sleeping, she dispels many of the myths regarding the "dangers" of co-sleeping.

William Sears, MD & Martha Sears, RN, The Baby Book

While most parents who sleep with their children enjoy doing so and are in no hurry for this time to end, I know of several who found it did not work for them - the baby was too restless, for example. The Sears offer a number of reasons for why this may be so, and options to sharing your bed.

Ashley Montagu,Touching

James W. Prescott, (1996) The Origins of Human Love and Violence, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology Journal, 10(3):143-18

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