A popular alternative to punishment is the suggestion that children instead suffer the "consequences," especially those considered "logical" or "natural" - food is taken from children who persist in not washing before dinner; or a child who repeatedly taps a pencil is told it will be taken away unless the tapping stops. If we define punishment as an intervention that forces someone to do something she'd rather not do (or prevents her doing something she wants to do) as a way of trying to change her behavior, it's hard to see how these are not punishments. It's hard to see how a child could experience them as anything other than punitive, even if they are less abusive than other forms of punishment. Even if there have been clear warnings about what will happen if they misbehave, the reality is a list of rules and consequences which establish a confrontational situation.

The belief that children are taught a useful lesson by being made to suffer consequences when they do something wrong, assumes the child will learn the intended lesson. A child sent to her room for taunting her baby brother will probably not devote that time to reflecting on the connection between cruelty and unpleasant consequences. She is more likely to spend the time feeling victimized, increasingly angry with her parents (so less likely to talk with them about her underlying jealousy that led to the incident), resenting her brother, and perhaps resolving to be cleverer when she plots her revenge.

When considering the use of rewards or punishment, by asking ourselves for whom are we doing it (them or us); and for what (the development of good values or mere obedience).

A number of issues need to be reframed in light of a commitment to self-determination. For example, it is widely accepted that children need and secretly want limits; however, a crucial question is who sets them - adults alone, or adult and child together. Unilaterally devising and imposing structures becomes more objectionable the older the child is. At what age and on what issues should children be inputting or deciding, is a question to be lived with day-by-day.

Source

Alfie Kohn, Punished By Rewards

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