In many cultures there is a great deal of confusion about feelings—especially the strong or painful ones. TV and movies portray people expressing themselves passionately and violently, but in everyday life in the American culture there isn’t much permission to rock the emotional boat. It is often considered a sign of weakness to display fear or grief overtly. The desired countenance is one of strength and control, and children are taught, at least by example, to be brave, to act “cool.” People are very uncomfortable when those around them “break down.” Others think there is something wrong with themselves when they feel depressed.

The cultural norms about anger are really confused. People overlook and sometimes even expect the exchange of angry words in public among strangers, and may applaud it as a motivator to sports and competition and war. The same people then express disbelief or horror when a close friend or family member expresses anger with them or learns that battering and other forms of abuse are going on close to home. Some people are shocked to discover how much anger they have, and try to repress it, while others use anger as a way to eliminate any emotional energy that they don’t know how to handle.

Joy and exuberance are generally acceptable as long as they are “controlled.” It’s all right to sing in church or to dance at a party or nightclub. But you might be thought crazy if you burst into song in a department store or dance ecstatically in the town square. There are many unwritten rules about expressing feelings.

Stop for a moment and recall some of the messages you got about feelings when you were young. What was held up to you as model behavior? Do any of these statements sound familiar? “Don’t get too excited or silly; somebody’s bound to get hurt.” “Don’t cry. That’s for babies.” “Don’t ever say you hate anyone.” “Keep going, no matter how bad you feel.” “Just think happy thoughts and everything will be fine.” “Don’t expect anything, and you won’t be disappointed.” It is little wonder that many people have grown up to be emotionally confused and wounded adults.

There is a heavy price to be paid when feelings are denied or repressed. Lethargy, boredom, and a sense of deadness toward life may be the sorry consequence. When this happens, bigger and stronger forms of stimulation are required to feel happy and alive. Some people drink, others drive recklessly. Paradoxically, some people get seriously ill as a way to get attention and still feel alive.

An equally heavy price is exacted when feelings are overindulged and dramatized as a means of justifying ourselves or manipulating others. Some people punish themselves with their own anger or guilt; they close themselves off completely from help, and therefore from the healing potential of human relationships, withdrawing from others to obsess about their own wounds.

Those who are unaccustomed to dealing with feelings in healthy ways often seek out other means to cover their feelings, or to distract themselves from feeling at all. At the first inklings of pain, fear, or loneliness, they may turn to alcohol, food, drugs, TV, unhealthy relationships, or compulsive work. Thus, bigger problems, more pain, and more fear are created in a terrified attempt to avoid pain and fear.

Repressing emotions out of fear or pain may lead to a habit of trying to control and dominate others as well. This form of relating—the stern teachers who won’t tolerate the enthusiasm of children; the rigid bosses who only want things done their way—has, in some domains, become the norm. These highly controlled individuals, however, are emotionally unwell. Inner strength and integrity come with the ability and willingness to acknowledge and/or express emotions freely, to use emotional energy constructively. The result is partnership, rather than a dominant or submissive role in relationship to others.

In considering the connection between wellness and feelings, we have seen what happens with clients and students when “emotional” energy—anger and sadness in particular—gets blocked. Depression is common with people who do not allow themselves to experience rage or grief. And depression will weaken the immune system, making the whole body more susceptible to disease. Other people literally create a body armor by severely tightening muscles in an attempt to defend against painful emotions. Such armored bodies are more apt to develop symptoms of chronic pain and crippling disease.

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