When cooperation is lacking, I need to check-in on a deeper level to clarify my expectations. For it is not what I say, but what Siena senses that I expect, that will largely determine her behavior. Perceiving her as a cooperative, social being means that requests are made with a friendly, confident, expectant tone. "Take your plate to the kitchen, Sweetie," or "Hand me that pen, Siena." I will not watch to see if she is doing as I ask, because that would communicate doubt as to her will to cooperate.

Trusting that discordant behavior is an act of innocence or ignorance, and that Siena is eager to cooperate and learn the right thing to do, I assume that she would not do what she has done if she knew better or was able to do it another way. Rather than lashing out with an angry "Why did you do that?" or "What a stupid thing to do!" this trust calls for corrections that are positive, non personal, and concrete - corrections which do not question her essential goodness or worth. Rather than "You bad girl! I told you not to pick flowers from the garden," I would say "Siena, these flowers are not for picking. I have very few of these and I like to keep them in the garden. Come, let's find some that you can pick whenever you want, because we have lots of them." Such corrections at first seemed awkward, stiff sounding. I found it difficult to come up with the "right" words. Time and perseverance pay well. 

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