What do we do if our child throws a tantrum in the supermarket? We could grab her and yell "Stop that!" We could try to ignore the tantrum (sure!). We could bribe the child to stop; or give in and give her the sweets she wants. Or, we could take a deep breath (take several), and focus on the fact that behind the upset and acting out is a tired, confused, or scared child; a child lacking the inner controls and skills to do any better than she is doing with whatever she is upset about--which may or may not be apparent to us.

If she's thrown herself down on the grocery store floor, get down there with her, start rubbing the top of her head and back, calmly affirming her, labeling her feelings and letting her know that you are there to help her handle them. I know that you are tired (or hungry, or frustrated) and I am here for you. It's okay. You're going to be all right.

—Barbara Coloroso

If we know what the emotion is, labeling it for the very young child will help her name and recognize that feeling. Given we might not know what's behind the upset, we could simply say I can see you are really upset about something, rather than interpret the experience for her and make her more mad because we guessed wrong.

The hardest part will likely be the disapproving looks from others, who, I imagine, are disgusted with such a super-indulgent mother who is letting her child control her. As an attachment-parented child, Siena's "tantrums" were rare, but on the occasions that we faced one, I did not see it as Siena controlling me. At my best (which of course, I am not always) in these moments, I felt very in control—firm, calm, and caring. I drew strength from my determination that my daughter would not grow up as repressed as I did, unaware of the anger and frustration inside of me until I reached my mid-twenties and partnered with a man who gave me permission to express these feelings (as well as the experiences to provoke them!).

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