Question what you're angry about. We have found that people are rarely clear about why they are angry, since blame and defense are so closely tied in with anger responses. Many of us put the blame for a situation on someone or something because we're afraid to admit our own culpability in the matter (or conversely, we blame ourselves rather than imagine that a loved one pulled the trigger of our anger). At this stage it is OK to not know exactly what lies at the root of the anger. It is OK to admit, I don't really know who or what I'm angry at, yet. . . ." In other cases, there will be no doubt about the reason for the anger.

Question what you're sad or scared about. Anger is sometimes the surface reaction that reflects a deeper feeling state that we are unable or unwilling to express. Carla's husband Frank readily admits that he becomes angry when she gets hurt or sick. The anger hides his fear that something serious is going on for her, and his sadness at his inability to fix it.

Recognition of the root of anger as sadness or fear is a much more honest platform from which to speak or negotiate with another person. Sadness and fear inspire vulnerability and openness to support and compassion from the other. When one is standing in these domains, there is less likelihood of counterattack and more pain.

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